The Fallen Star

I've moved

2008-03-12T17:01:00.002+08:00

Although I'm seemingly still blogging here, I've actually officially moved to here (click on the link)
As Word press's photo function is quite troublesome, I usually do my uploads of pictures here then import it over there.

2008-03-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Click on the ad on the right corner of the age and check out the new N82!:)

2nd Year and counting

2008-03-08T01:23:00.006+08:00

It has been two years since Cai and I have been together, and hopefully we're still counting... (sing:the road is loooongggg....)

If you haven't already know, Cai and I have NO anniversary date in which we can commemorate when we became a couple. So most of the time it's us guessing that 'okae it's time we celebrate our anniversary' and it's usually beginning-mid march, and we're also guessing it's probably on Mandy's Birthday. :) Shall spare you the history though.

So we wanted to go somewhere different to eat this year, and we decided for Greek at Philia restaurant. But because of the amount of work that we have to deal with for the coming two weeks ,we decided to postpone the nice dinner to some time later, and we were prepared to splurge a little that day. (We are currently not splurging as much because of our Korea grad trip).

Today, we decided that we felt like having Japanese and we decided to have Waraku at StarHub Centre near Cuppage Plaza. We spontaneously moved up our supposedly 'anniversary dinner' at Philia to today! So yup, tonight was a dinner for our 2-years of being together . It's cool that we dont not have a fix date ,so we can do spontaneous shit like that. :P

What's an anniversary dinner (or any dinner for that matter) , without booze? But this time we ditched the beer and went for hot sake, which was really comforting and stomach-warming.
A toast to our two years. May the third year be a great one too.

Haha I look very ah lian here dont I??
Check out my Hotate and Cheese Udon!
It's a really huge bowl...very nice and creamy.

The scallops are really huge and fresh.

Hee Hee..tugging in!
Baby looks disappointed and hungry that his food hadnt' arrived...
tada ! When it did, his face lit up!
The ramen was really good and cheap.
We actualyl ordered a sashimi salad which was really cheap and refreshing .Unfortunately we forgot to take pictures. :)
Raspberry cake .It was icecream cake and it wasnt' overly sweet. A very nice dessert to end off the whole evening.

:) After a week of madness, and alot of tears shed, and hear-tearing moments, I'm glad for today that we got to have a nice dinner together.
Thanks for standing by :)

weights...

2008-03-08T00:09:00.007+08:00

Now let's talk about my latest obession: weights. Not weight. the dumbells kind.
Of course I'm still careful about my weight though.
Well recently I had this sudden dissatisfaction with my meatless, scrawny arms and they look sickly, or flabby with the loose skin, which doesn't go very well with my being fair.

I have been doing weights at least once a day since wednesday, trying to get those well-defined deltoids ( I almost said pectorals, which made Matt really amused on Thursday) and triceps.
I have always been fazed with actresses who can fight. My favourite of course, is Jennifer Garner, who is Elecktra both in Daredevil and Elecktra the movie. Besides being able to kick, fight, swing, fly and look not the least frazzled after doing the above, she has very nice arms:)

Okae, and very nice abs too...
Can u see the well defined deltoids there ? I think it's really cool on women... a physical manifestation of strength and independence.

Then there's the other woman Jessica Biel who doesn't fight in shows usually, but I've checked out her arms and they are really really muscular but a tad too huge. Still..nice muscles there.
Ah ,she has well defined everything . Triceps, biceps and deltoids. And boobs as well, of course.

This is jessica biel still. And I think she look nicer here cos she doesnt' look too huge.
But I dont really like her, because more than half her pictures on google are like nude or boob-focused.

Well, doing weights means I'm going to bulge a little on the arms. Which I'm not too keen about so I'm trying to have well defined muscles and yet not look too big. :S
Well, bulgy muscular arms or flabby ones?? I choose the former of course. Heh.

Trigger Happy

2008-03-03T23:25:00.003+08:00

We woke up at 4 30 am this morning , each of us to do our thesis respectively, and was extremely tired by the time lesson started at 10 am. We met for breakfast at 8 am before continuing our thesis in school. So here we are at the canteen taking pics of sleepy morning faces.:)Shortly after, though, we were probably too tired and had a short 20 minutes of cold war!
But I'm glad we worked things out later...
When I'm tired and lack of sleep, I tend to get a little cranky and short-fused.
And here's a really nice picture of my silly goose which I really like.
This was taken in the fitting room while he was trying on Springfield's jacket and shirt one day:)

The animated crab at long beach

2008-02-29T23:30:00.002+08:00

This Friday evening, Cai and I didn't spend it alone or with our friends . It was Long Beach Seafood at Dempsey Road, and boy was I excited to go there, because everyone's been talking about Dempsey Road!
The seafood is really expensive, but the quality is pretty decent. Please only go there when you're working, because I'm not recommending you fellow students to go there! This is not part of the food blog project!!There are alot more other food than what is featured here but because the food came so quickly, there's hardly time to take pictures. I'll bring you here one day, Mom and Dad!

It was a nice day kept for ourselves after this week of endless project and papers, and we started the morning with Badminton, Ping Pong, lunch and then Batman begins.:)
The ah beng and the ah lian
The animated crab that seems to be saying 'come here, baby!'
Prawns

I think I've put on weight, and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, since all of you have been saying that I look too skinny and I dont look nice being too skinny.
Well, i'll still watch my weight for now. :)

Dim Sum with the Honourables

2008-02-29T23:15:00.010+08:00

Here are some pictures of dim sum with the honourables! The pics ain't very well taken.
About 8 of us turned up for Dim Sum yesterday morning, and Cai and I decided to bring them to Red Star to have it. We were quite sure none of them have ever been to such a hong-kong styled dim sum place, what with all the commercialised dim sum restaurants that are all part of pop culture now.

Cheryl Tan the superhuman was especially hysterical .When she raised her hand to call for a waitress, she called her 'lao shi!', and then she became really embarrassed.

It was a simple and short meet up, good enough for me to see everyone whom I so sorely missed!

Cam-whoring while waiting for Cheryl

Walking to Chin Swee Road
Cai and Pix
Matt sucking the chicken feel for the first time
Checking out the frog
I wonder what they were looking at!
Matt and me
Amused by someone on the left?
Yup, Cheryl who was so embarrassed by the 'laoshi' incident

Mandy shooting Cai a dirty look
Mandy's frog!
All of us minus Matt who had to leave early.
The girls

2008-02-22T01:20:00.003+08:00

I've shifted my blog to

www.starlala.wordpress.com

It's a nicer place to blog in, it seems. Shall try it out for abit.

Some of you might need special passwords to get in to some of the posts.
If you're one of the inner circlings, I'll drop you a message to tell u what it is:)

HT woes

2008-02-21T20:08:00.003+08:00

Each time it's nearing Thursday I get extremely stressed up and jittery because I am always worried that I'm not doing enough for my HT and I dont have anything to show Butler. But it always turns out that he has something encouraging to say about whatever I show him, even when I think nothing of my work .He would say how I could make it into something else, and I always come out feeling good and happy. And I'll be so happy that I feel like celebrating the weekend, only to emerge stressed up again nearing Thursday. Haha...
And today was great in that he greatly reduced the amount of data that I was supposed to look at into two or three subordinate conjunctions ( considering that I have about 7 ) of them. I'm getting more and more excited about my own topic and I'm motivated to be geeky again!

Hoorah!

2008-02-20T21:44:00.001+08:00

I don't want to be bothered with the 'what -could-have-been'.
I want to embrace the now.

2008-02-17T21:59:00.002+08:00

Everyone's saying that I look tired, that I look listless.
I am very, very tired.
I need sleep.
I'm exhausted from what happened in the week and weeks past.
And I just wish that NW Airlines would just swoop me up to Hawaii right now.

I need a break from all these clutter.

2008-02-17T19:46:00.002+08:00

It's so funny to read how one person can blog-bitch about the flaws of others and society, and not realize that she/(he)'s a person like that. Ha!

Aniwae it has been two days of meets up with my good friends who are going back to Australia :( But I'm thankful for the meet ups to be able to catch up with them!

More pics up later!

V Day

2008-02-15T23:50:00.015+08:00

Time for some happy updates. Well I was so busy, stressed up and ill from the CNY week, so I haven't put up pictures of that period. And by now it's a little 'out of point' to be putting up CNY Pics. Heh.. Anyway I was looking for a red dress to be wearing on CNY this year and went around countless shopping malls with my Mum and boyfriend all these months, and it was a hopeless case for me until I was at Far East Plaza with Stacey and I finall found THE dress. So the happy happy thing for me this year was that I got my red dress, and I'm glad everyone who saw it thought I look nice in it. Here's a picture of Cai and me in our CNY clothes! :)

Well I'm supposed to be blogging about V Day.

V Day was a really really special day. I think it is by far the most memorable occasion in my life, and in our relationship. Well being food people, how could we not go on an eating date??
We went to a not-famous-at-all eating place called Goose and Nilly's Bar and Grill and it's located at Good Luck Garden at Toh Tuck Road. That place is probably the only place that doesn't have a queue and there were absolutely NO other couples around! It was open-air in the midst of a lush forest and our table was adjacent to a big pond.We had our very own symphony playing at the background and it was the best weather ever there, with no cold from the air con and yet it wasn't too hot and humid out there.

What was even better was that everything from the food to the drinks were DIY.Even shopping for the food was part of the DIY experience and we had to marinate and grill the food ourselves.

Well what happened yesterday was, Cai and I decided that we would NEVER or we would try not to go out to have dinner on V Day itself because it is crowded and expensive everywhere. We dont really like spending a large part of a precious evening queing along with tons of other couples, and the worse thing is, after you finally get your seats in the restaurant, you have other couples around at quite a close distance that this personal space isn't there. You may as well just get all the couples around you to sit at a long table together right?

So we thought of a way to make this day especially special, and we decided to do a BBQ!
It was a long day at school yesterday and I was tired from baking cookies for Cai and making him a card the night before. By the time we get to the huge bukit timah plaza's NTUC fairprice, it was already 3 45 pm. We spent an hour looking for veg (we had loads of them), fruits , sausages and chicken wings and thighs, and red wine. When we got back to Cai's house, we were rushing to get ready for the BBQ; I was busy marinating the chicken wings and thighs and putting them into aluminium 'boxes' to grill, and Cai was making his own Sangria. His very own concoction with apple slices! We were pretty good at rushing because all in all we only took about 30 minutes to 45 minutes to marinate and prepare everything. By the time we started the fire it was about 6 p.m, and thankfully the wind and clouds were on our side. Cai made a really good fire for the BBQ and everything was great.
Our grocery:) We were really having a great time shopping at the supermarket.It felt special and heartwarming walking down the aisles and picking out food:) We'd do that more often in future!

Here's me washing the chicken at the sink.Cai digging through the charcoal bag.
The tranquility.

I was battling with a sore right eye that must have been affected by the soot .

'Flames of passion!' (Cai, 2008)
The yummy yummy food! Actually by this shot most of the food were finished. We were busy savouring the food that we forgot to take pictures.

When the food began to cook, it was sun set and the evening was absolutely beautiful. We sat under the big umbrella talking and eating the grilled food, enjoying the quietness and the fact that there were nobody around at all. It was simply romantic!We have made it a point never to be going out to celebrate V day if we can. We'll have to think of creative ways to celebrate it in the most down to earth fashion ever. :)

I'm glad Cai likes the food I marinated.I discovered that I really enjoy cooking and marinating.At least a lot more than baking. I've never really liked baking and I probably only bake like 1-2 other times before yesterday. Cai and I decided that for this year's V Day, we would not be buying gifts for each other, but I couldn't help myself!I wanted to do something extraordinary, and baking was something extraordinary for me. I bravely took on the task of baking orange cookies. It was an ordeal, I tell you. Baking is tough. Baking for the first time with not much experience is very very tough .I'm thankful that after 2 failed trays due to the wrong temperature from the microwave oven, Mum came in to help me out. She was very nice about the baking experience. She didn't chide me for using her kitchen, and she even encouraged me when I claimed that I had no talent in baking and my baking sucks. I was very touched. :)

Well I guess the orange cookies turned out fine eventually and I packed them nicely into a box. Cai likes it and I'm really glad he did. I will probably not bake again...at least not for a very long time. I made him a card too! And I feel really happy just doing DIY stuff for him, even though it was at the expense of thesis preparation and my much-needed sleep.

This year's V Day is extra extra special because it marked the day of a renewed love and commitment. We went through a long night, and we both woke up puffy-eyed at the end of the day, but nonetheless joyful and elated. I daresay we both realised that we can't do without each other and that our love was strengthened ever again.

And I guess sometimes it's worth the pain when we both come out ever so crazily in love with each other. :)

2008-02-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

With the influx of work at my feet,
I am going to be a zombie walking thru the corridor of arts/biz.

Buaaagh....

If u're in my project group

2008-02-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

If you're in my project group, and you skive,
you're going to die.
Being a leader I try to make sure that everyone of us have an area to work on and nobody's skiving or doing too much work. So if you spoil my soup, you're going to get very sorry.

2008-02-11T18:46:00.000+08:00

I was irritated, yesterday in church, with how a pastor was speaking on the topic of what Christianity is about. Usually I dont exactly take to his sermons because I know that he might sound convincing, but his arguments are full of flaws and fallacies. He likes to rouse the crowd alot too .Given that yesterday was a 9 am early service, I guess the crowd was pretty 'duh' and not ready to shout 'Amen!' or I dont know what else he expects.By the way, the church I'm attending is a conservative church and unless there's a need to, u dont expect the charismatic kind of 'praise the Lord!' or 'Amen!' or holy laughter or holy cries usually. But when this pastor speaks, one or two echo Amen when he manage to strike a chord or two.

Anyway I was irritated with him because he was evidently unhappy and irritated, and might I use the very apt hokkien word , 'tu-lan', with the congregation because they seem tired and unenthusiastic. He thinks that the congregation aren't convicted by the sermon and towards the end of it all, he started saying things that goes along the lines of 'I dont think you bunch of people here are touched by God's Word or are Christians'. He started saying how that Singaporeans are too comfortable in their lives to be receptive to the Word of God and it's the poor people who would be so enthusiastic and they would outwardly show it.

I was feeling indignant about his reaction and I wanted to stand up and fight back. Given that I was sniffing away with my cold, I was really really irritated and somebody has to stop him from making such accusations of the congregation . At the end of it all, he said that our congregation needs a trial and needs to have Go dto break us down and he's going to pray for a trial in our lives. It's really like a curse, coated with 'Dear God' and 'Amen' and I thought that is really unbecoming of a pastor.

It's a good thing he doesn't speak every week. If not I'd write him one day.

Well, if Christians believe in the transforming work of God and that they are mere instruments, I feel that they should all the more understand that it's not their message or evangelism that truly convicts the hearts and minds. It's ultimately God himself. So that's why I thought that was very uncalled for on his part. Also the part of many Christians. One of the logical inconsistency I find in this faith .

Be also mindful that, faith is something which cannot be CULTIVATED by going to Church and reading the Bible and hearing others preach to you. You'd be thankful people do not stand up and berate you for encrouching on their liberty. Faith is really something that you have, or not.

And as for me, in the context of having my blog address widely publicised all over the social networks via friendster, facebook and msn, I know there will be a lot of people reading this blog of mine .I'm sure many of those are from my past and they'd probably go 'whoa look how she has fallen!' (hence my blog title), or 'God bless her soul!'. But I figured that as hard as it is to be standing up for what you truly believe in, I find it necessary to stand up for myself. I believe I have many reasons why I'm in the state that I'm in and I'm justified in my reasoning and beliefs.

Honestly like I've mentioned countless times, I have alot of questions and things that I can't figure out with Christianity, and I believe that these things are not unfounded. There have been many people who have been really concerned for my spiritual growth ,and I've allowed them to be concerned because I know they are not the judgmental, condescending ,holier-than-thou and very gossipy people that I used to know. They have written me pages of letters, two from overseas :), and one from my dear ol cousin, and emails and I know there are those who have been incessantly praying for me. Although I'm still not totally convinced by what they say or do, I know that they did it out of love and I can feel it.

I welcome any of you who want to speak to me or ask me about my misgivings about Christianity. I also take this opportunity to say that I have not and am not denouncing it but I'm in a state where I have so many issues that I cannot sort out and I think it's a personal thing between me and God, if he's real and he chooses to help me out down here. Bear in mind that I came from a church that is big on theology and I believe I've known enough to engage in a debate, and I've , on my own, read up quite a bit on history of Bible and Church, do not try to fool me . Make sure you come with good arguments because if there's anything I disrespect most, it's logical inconsistencies.

The W Question

2008-02-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

The Why question subject seem to be recurring throughout the day.
This evening Cai and I were talking about my frequent 'why' questioning, that may come across as being judgmental.But I can't help myself because asking why seem to be like the most natural thing to ask about anything and it started when I was young. Did I ever mention that my mum said I would ask 'why' for everything that I see and she would have to keep thinking of answers?

I guess it's cos I 've never seen the world as 'just happening as it is' and there must be a motivating factor for anything , consciously or not.

Then I figured it might run in the family because during a family gathering while I was talking to two of my uncles over dinner, they mentioned that their children have problems in school because they always ask the teachers 'why' about this and that and the teacher called to meet up with the parents to talk to them about it. My uncle mentioned that the 'why' part put him at his wit's end because my very intelligent cousin also questions about everything .

It runs in the family! haha..Hooray for more thinking people! ;)

2008-02-09T20:08:00.001+08:00

They had The Notebook on TV tonight and I got to see Ryan Gosling once again . Considering that I'm extremely extremely bad with names, to remember his is something.
I caught The Notebook at the cinema years ago when I used to dig romantic comedy, and till now I've never really forgotten it. Not because Nicholas Sparks did a good job in his book (I thought A Walk To Remember was much much better) but the director did a fantastic job choosing Ryan Gosling to play the cute country boy in the Timberland outfit *swoons* ,with the row-boat, passionate-kiss-in-the-rain and silhouette-of-rachel-mcadams-nipples scene in South Carolina. Ah Carolina has such beautiful rivers. I want to go there!

I thought the best thing to say in a marriage proposal can come from the following scene:

Ally: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'

Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Ally: So what?

Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

I think that's the sweetest thing to say. It's realistically sweet. Everyone knows it's never going to be a bed of roses in a marriage, but it's about sticking out for each other, for the whole relationship. I thought of the times I'm so easily besetted by the recurring problems that Cai and I had and the times which I thought, 'fuck it, how am I going to go through this my whole life?'
But he would always always tell me that he would never let me go, that we could work things out together no matter what, and that he's willing to put in his hundred and ten percent for us. And whenever he says that I get strengthened by his will, by his faith in us, and I know I am with the guy of my dreams right now. Of course it's easy to say sweetnothings when the crunch isn't in your face, but we've been through the tough times and we've been through alot. I know he has never left me. Never at all.

Anyway The Notebook has a very matrix-like narrative structure. Basically it starts off with an old man who 'befriends' an old lady at a nursing home, and begins to tell her of a story from the notebook, which is THE notebook. This lady has dementia. Truth is, the old man is noah, and the lady is ally and noah was trying to tell their story to her so that she could recover from dementia and remember their past. Everyone was trying to dissuade him from doing that because dementia is a irreversible disease, but he did not give up. He sent himself to the same nursing home and told her their story in the hope that she would remember something.

The ending was of course a good one and they passed away together when she finally remembered. Which was a miracle. But you've got to catch this show for yourself if you haven't.Especially when it's V Day!:)

"Look guys, that's my sweetheart in there, and I'm never gonna leave her. This is my home. Your mother is my home.''
-Noah to his kids, when they persuaded him to stop visiting their mum,Ally in the old folk's home because she had dementia.

The greatest kind of love scene is not one which has hot passionate kiss or sex, but one that shows two greying folks walking hand in hand towards the sunset.

Yup and this is me in one of my bimbo moments :)

2008-02-09T18:34:00.000+08:00

I'm so fucking bored.
But it's better to bored at home than any where else.

*sniffles

2008-02-09T10:15:00.000+08:00

With the dawn of a new morning,
everything should start anew.

The tears of the yester-night
shall turn to dews of the morning-light
that scatters the sunny ray of hope.

What are we, without hope?

2008-02-08T22:56:00.000+08:00

I'm a failure... at everything.

Festive season. and me.

2008-02-07T22:32:00.000+08:00

It's the end of the first day of CNY and I'm dead beat. Or rather, dead meat.
It started right in the morning at 9 45 am and I came home only at 9 45 pm so it was non stop visitation, house after house, crowds after crowds.
I'm so glad to be home, in my nice little messy room, where I can retreat into my shell,and be away from people. I think I'm falling sick, what if the headache, slight fever and the slight runny nose. Enough of PRing (or the lack of it) for a day! I need to get a good night rest and be alone in my room and recharge.

I figured these few days would be full of people-seeing. And I think I have enough of it by the end of this week .So sorry friends, if I seem antisocial and if I turn you down for meet-ups. I just have enough of all of these for awhile and I totally need to be away from crowds. Can't wait for normacy to be back!

I was thinking about festivals of the year that I enjoy, and when I think through all of them, I dont really have a favourite holiday, and neither do I actually like any of these days that much. And then I went on thinking that I have been feeling pretty joyless all these while. I know of people who really get into the Mid Autumn festival mood and all and exchange mooncakes, put up lanterns . I on the other hand ,have never felt that there was much need for this .If there's anything to be happy about these festivals, it's probably because it's a holiday from work/school and I get to sleep in.

I dont buy into traditions either, unless I feel and believe in the significance of it all. And meaningless reptititons only make me tired and exasperated.

Nothing seems worthy to be happy about. I seem so soaked up in my studies and work and the mundane, that I seem to have been care-less about the human relations, the simple things in life, and I have forgotten how it is like to be just so happy staring into the ocean. I have forgotten how to smile. I have forgotten to cry tears of joy. I have forgotten how to laugh like a baby. I have forgotten how it is to be so carefree. Tell me, have I renounced all forms of fantasy and succumbed to the mundanity of the same old same-old?

I envy the simple-minded who knows nothing of the complicated world and the complicated human relations therein . Despite how hard I have tried to be simple, I can't. I can't kid myself no more .I just am not a simple person .And I reckon you need to teach a non-simpleton how to live a life. I indulge in food and drinks so that I may feel the immense pleasure of the moment, which fades so easily away soon after. What , truly stays?Insecurity is such a scary issue, and yet it is so real in my life. Can I rely on my ambitions and what I currently have faith in, to be always around and unchanging?

Sigh...

Our hearts are entwined

2008-02-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

I went to Wala Wala today to listen to Acoustic Trip and of course it was absolutely therapeutic. Their singing made me feel like I was the only one in the audience and it filled my soul .
I had a chance to talk to the bass-ist of the group, Oliver who told me they have been singing for like 10 years and he offered me their CD ,which I can only get next Friday!

Despite that, it does make me feel sad when a loved one doesn't feel okay.
It's like when you truly loves someone, and this someone is down in the dumps, a million dollar jackpot will never make you feel happy too.

I hope he'll be up and about soon.
It gives an achey in my heart to have him feeling the blues.

2008-02-04T22:18:00.001+08:00

I'm never ever going to marry:
1) A doctor
2) A policitican
3) A pastor
4) A missionary
5) A Lawyer
6) An FnB Personel

And it's funny that this list was long decided many years back. Hasn't changed since :)

2008-02-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

I'm in a big huge horrible mood and it's not helping that my room is so fucked-up messy,
and I have alot of things on my mind...
and it doesn't help that I'm so addicted to Acoustic Trip, this three-men band that I'm fallen so in love with, and I can't stop thinking and wanting to go listen to them.

I came down to Hard Rock Cafe on Friday specially to listen to them and it turned out that they weren't there anymore because they have begun performing at T3 at Chang Airport. They have another HRC there. I was having murderous thoughts of the stupid waitress whom I was talking to on the phone, who told me that Acoustic Trip would be playing their last on Friday at the branch in Orchard.

And of course I wasn't very pleased at all and I was highly dissatisfied when I have to put up with a stupid rock band that sings stupid songs and make stupid comments up there.

I miss the three cool and quiet men who just do their thing on the stage and they were as good as the holy trinity. So united in soul and voice that it was ...perfect.

Sigh.I dreamt about them the third time already.

2008-02-03T00:06:00.000+08:00

I can't wait for Vday! *big wide silly grin plastered on face*

and I'm sure lucky to get a guy who's simple-ly romantic. :)

2008-02-02T19:37:00.001+08:00

I'm getting extremely tired and sian easily and I am getting quite sick of my modules.
Nothing seems meaningful except Linguistics and there's not enough of it this sem.
I miss my EL fwenz!

And I'm getting sick of project meetings.
Snore...

2008-02-02T01:13:00.000+08:00

It's another Friday that I've been looking forward to, except that today, it wasn't just Cai and myself, it was with Andy. It was a good catch up, sharing stories and listening to each other's experiences and each other's friends' experiences.

Today we tried Filipino Cuisine at Lucky Plaza Shopping Centre. Well, the food review will come when the pictures are up.

I guess at the end of tonight, I just want to say that I'm really proud to have a boyfriend who's always mindful of my feelings. I think I've never met anyone so sensitive to how I feel and it is an amazing feeling. Thanks baby.

2008-01-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

I am very very happy that my marketing research proposal has been selected as the best in the class! That comes along with bonus grades! I'm really happy and I hope our group will emerge as the best group of all at the end of the semester:)

I realise that when it comes to business modules (I've taken 2 marketing modules so far), I have a different mindset altogether.It's not about learning what's there in the field. It's about winning.It's about beating the other groups to get your ideas accepted, to market yourself, to market your idea, and to thrash the others. What a competitive environment there is in business and I'm really thankful that I'm safe in my English Language department, surrounded by nice and warm people and I'm having the time of my life just studying linguistics:)

Aches

2008-01-30T15:17:00.000+08:00

I'd love to load off all my unhappiness to someone, at something.
But not everyone has the luxury and the liberty to do that.
I'm physically worn out by the morning to afternoon cleaning, and my fingers and hands are swelling and hurting with the effects of the detergent; my head is throbbing and my eyes are droopy. In about two hours's time, I have a driving class and I HATE my driving instructor.

I'm mentally worn out because I have a huge chunk of data to analyse, and I have yet more data to analyse and come up with soon. I have a marketing proposal to deal with and it's due tomorrow. I have an online meeting for a big geography project and I have yet to think of a topic.

I'm emotionally down trodden because I feel alienated and misunderstood. Unjustified and stressed.

I wonder which other girl has as busy a life as I am.

Right now all I want to do is to cry out loud and sob really really hard. But I shall wait till Night comes, when he unfurs his cloak and I can hide amidst the abyss he keeps, and seek some form of catharsis.

2008-01-29T23:25:00.001+08:00

So much data...
Too much noise.
I feel entrapped.

In moments like these, you wish your mind would take you far, far away to a paradise that you have always kept in the depths of your heart, that you know you can escape to and no one can touch u there.
Over there, you see the people you most wish to see, and do the things you most wish to do.

It's really much quieter there.

2008-01-29T20:43:00.000+08:00

I watched a scene in a movie where a Christian group went on the street of new york awaiting a group of homosexuals who were having a gay bash to finish their party , before they humiliated them. They said things like 'gay is not the way' and said that gays are on their way to damnation and that gays are an abomination (u can just guess what movie that is :P)

I wish people would stop judging others based on their own standards. There's only one way to win people to your side and that is through love.

I'm proud of my friend who's doing her HT on the gay community here, and she's a Christian. I just hope her research would shed good light on these people. I'm not saying that everyone should agree to everyone else's sets of morals. But what I'm getting at is, even if you do not agree with another's sets of morals, you shouldnt' have to discriminate against them. How would you like that happen to you?

Treat others with respect. And you'd get that in return too.
But remember that respect has to be earned.
And you can never get the respect you want, if you do not know what it is to love another human in his /her own rights.

Well something about school.

In recent semesters, I've been working with people whom I know for my projects, and have done very well in most of them, and I'm getting extremely comforable, and extremely uncomfortable when I have to move out of my comfort zone to work with people from everywhere else. I get jittery and apprehensive and a little distrusting and I have this tendency to be really enthusiastic in the projects. For now, my marketing project group seems like a nice bunch of people and I am made the leader of the group (probably because I am quite er...talkative?) . I just hope that my group members will not see a hierarchy here and I hope they'd be crazy along with me in the project! But I get quite uncomfortable when things have been settled by majority of the group and then there are really mini hiccups that's because someone has a different way of doing things. So what do I do? I hope I'll be granted wisdom to make the right choices for the group.I believe that's what my role is isn't it? Decisive and firm.

just to clear things up abit

2008-01-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

For all those who stood up for me in the tagboard with all your encouraging and gung-ho and funny messages, thank you! It makes me encouraged to know that I have a boyfriend, friends, sister, and a cousin who bothered to say something. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside!

But let's just leave that insolent and immature brat alone with all her/his warped ideologies. From what I can tell, this person is certainly one who hasn't seen enough of life, or maybe because he/she thinks that three years in our faculty is enough of life. Get a life, child.

Before I leave this nut for good, I'd just like to say a few things, given that I'm the author of my blog.

1. Your appeal to not criticise criticism, is a claim that is fallacious. You are directing that claim to me and so I have to say something about it. Firstly, I am not going to take down my tags and make my blog private. That's why I haven't even tried deleting your tags. If I am that embarrassed or mindful about what you said, I would have. You were the first pepetrator of criticisms on my blog, and granted that I allow 'free speech' here, and I did not get you to stop critcising, yet, you have no right to stop my friends from critcising you, and your criticisms. It's fallacious because you are disallowing others to do an action but giving yourself the liberty to do it. Now, that, kiddo, says alot about your character.

2. Secondly, you are not a very intelligent person by coming to my blog to make all these criticisms, because you should know that when you do that, it has a high chance of backfiring, and there will be people who speak up against you. I'm thankful that I have friends who did that for me, and my my, aren't you fighting a losing battle? But I guess it's really cos you're too naive, thinking that being in FASS for 3 years makes you high and mighty. By the way, most of us here are Year 4s, and graduates of the same faculty.

3. In future if you do want to make your case, please make sure you do not have fallacies in your argument and you take into account your own credibility. Then again I think you, being a mere year 3 in FASS, may not know how to make strong arguments (shame on you!). I suggest you take the same course as all of us did here... it's called Discourse of Argumentation and it will help you to make better cases and be more reflexive about ur maturity in your arguments. But I think again, maybe not. You might fail that module badly granted the level of sensibility you have.

So there, I've said my piece. You should fuck off soon. I think I better warn you that in today's day and age, it's really not difficult at all to trace you down with IP addresses being very telling. May I also remind you that defamatory remarks on the internet with no basis are considered slanders too and once I track you down, your ass is going to be very, very sorry.

My advice to you is, dont do that on other people's blog, even if you're the most beautiful person on earth. I've discovered that I really really do not have to be beautiful at all to be sure of myself. Because I have people around me who care and make me who I am today.

By the way just to let all of you know, Stella doesn't value looks as much as intelligence! haha... I think if I have to plead with God to give me one attribute, it'll have to be wisdom or intelligence. It's no use being a pretty vase that's not functional.

Back to the normal stuff...
As I was walking home today, I was thinking about Cai and how we sat together at Morphosyntax tutorial and how it brought us together .When I told him that I took an interest in him, I barely knew him for 2 weeks and I do not even know if he fits whatever criteria I have at that time. I think he didn't, actually. But that wasn't on my mind at that time. I wouldn't even say I was in love with him when I revealed my feelings. But something about him made me really intrigued, and to me, he was unique and special. Now that I think about it, I cannot for once imagine not knowing him at all because he fits just so nicely into my life. He's everything I can ask for in a soulmate and I do not think that anybody else can replace him. I'm indeed thankful to whichever higher powers placed him here. I'm really glad I told him how I feel and I'm glad we being the bobo-shooters, just went along with it even though we probably didn't think there would be something there.

There is indeed alot to be happy about.

2008-01-27T21:00:00.002+08:00

It no longer matters if I'm pretty or not. Especially so now. Because I feel so loved by all of you EL people :)

2008-01-27T00:40:00.000+08:00

It has been a hectic half-a-weekend so far, what with two tuitions in the morning, and a short meet up of sorts in the afternoon, and then rushing back home to prepare for the Marketing Research online meeting and then staying up to finish up the proposal for this module. Guess what? tomorrow there is a tuition right at Chinese Garden at 8 30 am! and then there's church in the afternoon and I have alot of readings due, and my sister is waiting to be taught, and there's a whole box of ironing to do, and I know I'm ranting and ranting and ranting.

Sigh...
Why why why is there so many things for me to do? :(

No wonder I look like a horse-face-plus-ah-gua. (see tag for more info). Heh.

By the way I'm completely fine with people criticising about my looks because
1) I've never really thought myself to be a physically attractive person, even though I try quite hard to be one and I am quite vain. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous or even slightly pretty , I know, and I am quite comfortable with that. Of course I really really want to be pretty in the eyes of my boyfriend lah. :)

2) Beauty is really really subjective. Dont you think? Considering that all the guys that I think are cute are deemed lousy by my girl friends, it must be really true. So since it's something subjective, you can't really fault a person for thinking that way of you.

3) It is very interesting that when people want to criticize,they hide behind a mask, or a cover. It is certainly a very expected behaviour of humans, but introspectively, it is interesting still , aint it? you can really feel so strongly about someone, and yet when you have to let him/her know about it because you totally despise him/her, you have to be anonymous. Why? Is it because you're really afraid to criticise and be criticised in the end? I think so. No one likes bad karma.
Well a personal general rule of thumb, it's not like I dont talk bad about anyone at all. Just that when I choose to gossip, I only tell it to the person I trust the most and that has to be the bf. If I have to let a person know that I really cannot stand what he or she does, then I'll tell it in the most tactful way possible (although it's really really hard for me to be tactful) or I'll just really try to shut up.

It is important to also consider, when you perform a certain action, how you might like it done to you too. Of course maybe you're a perfect angel having the 'perfect' face and body and personality and probably no one can fault you, but i think that's a really slim possibility.

Honestly,I've stop seeing the world in binary forms. It's no longer 'right or wrong' and 'black or white'. It's hard not to take on the post structuralist and post modernist view of multiple realities at this age and day. So I firmly think that it's not a matter of right and wrong when it comes to what people do.

So whoever placed that extremely candid tag, I honestly think you have got some issues, man .But I am not the least bit bothered by your comments (even though I'm extremely vain!!) because ..of all the reasons I've listed above. :) But I certainly hope you have a good time looking at yourself in the mirror today and admiring the immense beauty you exude!

Matt-Hiu's BDAE!!!

2008-01-26T00:22:00.001+08:00

Okay I think I'm one of the latest bloggers in EL around to put up the hilarious pictures that came about from Thursday's EL honourables gathering + Matt's Birthday Celebration! You should also check out the blogs of Shaun, Mandy and Karina to read about the funny things that happened from different perspectives :)

The both of us with the birthday boy! Here's to Matt:
I'm so so so glad to know you these recent semesters and I'm even happier to have known you even better.Both of us have always been saying how sincere and nice a person you are and we're really fortunate to have a person like you around. Your smile is always so cheery and I like your 'relac' attitude that reminds me to sit back for awhile when the going gets tough. It's a huge pity that we're not taking any similar modules this semester, but I hope the weekly lunches will be a good opportunity to keep things going .: )You're the man, matt!

The couple shot:) And here's to my Cai: I'm really thankful to be dating someone from the same major as I am because it takes our relationship to an intellectual level too:) Of course even without Linguistics we do have many other intellectual and geeky stuff to talk about :P I think the fact that we share classes will always play a very significant part in our relationship, since it's the very thing that brought us together:)
Here's Mandy, me Pix Karen and Cheryl :)
Matt has many scandalous pics that day.He kept seemingly trying to smooch Mandy (tsk tsk) and u should scroll down to see what he did with rachel!
Oh the cardboard thing Matt was wearing was done by Cai and Myself. It was a nice treat for him because he got hugs from every single person that day! :D
Karina was really funny.When Matt went over to her to get a hug,she's like 'HUH....." in a VERY reluctant tone.Hahaha..her hugs are PRICELESS lah.
All of us at Waraku place at Marina Square. We had a whole room to ourselves so we could make alot alot of noise.
Check this out... and the one below...
Directional eh?
My red abang!
Karina and I...she got punked by the AGA group of Momo's class :D
Presenting to you..the darlie girls!

Very nice smiley pictures above eh? I love capturing people when they look their happiest :)
Carmen was trying to steal Matt's bdae 'cakes'.
Here's the bdae boy and his 'cake'(s)
CHRIS U MUST READ THE FOLLOWING!
We had quite alot of leftovers. Karen bought 24 doughnuts all in all, and probably only 11-12 were eaten. So there were about 10ish doughnuts left.Shaun suggested to play the number game. It's like a kind of game where people sit in a circle, someone chooses a number, and the person next to him/her selects another number which will limit all the numbers to a certain range that contain the chosen number. The person that hits the exact number takes the doughnut. Shaun said something like , if the loser has to eat the doughnuts, he'll gladly lose.

And guess what? Out of 10 over doughnuts, shaun KENA 5 of them!! it was very very funny. The funniest thing was, he was sitting next to me so I was always saved from eating doughnuts! hehe! I dont really like doughnuts actually...
Shaun at his third lost.
Him after 5 doughnuts :PThe other lucky people: Pix Mandy,Rachel, Yuan Hao and Cheryl :)
The game shots
All of us
10 of us headed over to Dirty Nelly's for drinks and a bucket of fries :)It was a great time just talking to each other and chilling. :)

a toast for the bdae boy!
see see? scandalous pic number 2! haha.. Well we made them do it because they were the only 2 wine drinkers there.

Mandy mentioned in her blog that through all the pictures we took, there wasnt' a single unglam pic of me and Cai... actually the reason is fairly simple: I WAS THE CAMERA PERSON!! haha.Aniwae I took the above collage from her blog because she said everyone else had unglam pictures..hahaha...

I love my EL class mates. And I sorely miss them :(

I'm happy!! :)

Geeky

2008-01-23T20:53:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I'm really going into formal semantics for my thesis!
The reality hit me so hard when I had to install a new font called 'Logic' in order to type in all the mathematical notations for predicate logic. *looks over at Leslie*
I sure need a lot of luck *gulps*

But I'm secretly amused that I'm indulging in some really elegant and neat stuff here in Predicate Logic.

Welcome to the world of symbols!

2008-01-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling cold on the outside (because it's either I'm not feeling well or the weather is really really cold *shudders*).
But on the inside, I'm as warm and snug as can be,
because I know my baby loves me. :)

~Snuggles

2008-01-23T18:30:00.000+08:00

It's week 2 of school and I'm officially stressed.
Everything seems to be falling on my lap all at the same time, and I have never been able to figure why.
It makes me disgusted whenever I under-accomplish what I want to do.
It makes me scowl when I see others have it easy and I don't.
I hate that I don't have a crystal clear direction in my thesis.
I don't like working with people whom I don't really know because I hate having to spend time to build my trust for each of them.
I hate wasting time over things that really shouldn't matter.
I detest my driving instructor for being such a biased asshole.

And I certainly certainly hate complaining!!!

Burp~

2008-01-23T13:04:00.001+08:00

Rewind.
Delete.
Record.
Play.

2008-01-23T00:20:00.000+08:00

I guess I do miss being in a company where I do not have to think when I speak.
Where I can just be myself and be incoherent.
Get me drunk, someone?

2008-01-22T21:34:00.001+08:00

Liberated.

2008-01-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

Mum bought me a pink 'hospital blanket', something which I have been wanting since I was 16.
Thanks Mum!:)

2008-01-21T23:03:00.001+08:00

There's something about being utterly upset and then be crazily in love with the same person. That person must indeed be extraordinarily special.

2008-01-21T20:14:00.000+08:00

What a day...I guess I've never felt more upset, more alone and more broken than I did today.

But I am thankful for the inner strength to want things to be okay,
And I'm also thankful that things are okay.

May it never happen again.

2008-01-20T19:10:00.001+08:00

During my meet up with Wen and Adee yesterday, Wen asked me a question that got me thinking. She asked if I would really prefer to know everything and the truth and if it would truly make me happy. I guess there might be people out there who would rather be ignorant and be happy in their ignorance. I thought about that and decided that, yes, I would be happier knowing everything and the truth, than not. Simply because I know for myself that I can't stand knowing that there might be something that I dont know (even though there are really many many things that I dont know) and I hate feeling that there's a missing piece of puzzle somewhere. I tend to think and hypothesize alot about what could be, and what if, and it drives me insane. I would rather know, than to even give the benefit of the doubt.

Wen asked if I ever feel like knowing about my boyfriend's whereabouts is 'my right'. To which I answered, no. And it's the truth. I don't think I have the exclusive right to know everything about my boyfriend, because I believe he has the right not to say. But both Cai and I know that I'd be better off knowing because it sets my heart at ease and it makes things between us transparent and accountable.

I guess it's time to grow up and be able to put things in perspective.

2008-01-20T11:31:00.001+08:00

Social policing needs to be eradicated.

2008-01-20T00:11:00.000+08:00

By the way, if you guys haven't noticed, at the top right hand corner of my blog occasionally has interesting ads displayed by various companies. You should go check them out. :)This current one will be up from now till next sunday. So dont miss them! I'll alert you guys to new ads whenever there is one.

Middle Eastern

2008-01-19T21:10:00.001+08:00

As I've mentioned in the previous post, both Cai and I decided for Middle Eastern this weekend and we were both rather excited about it on our way. We were tired of the same ol' Orchard area and so Haji Lane/Arab Street was a refreshing experience for us. Once again ,your global-food reviewers :)
I took this of baby on the train . I thought his expression suited the monochromatic picture. :)
Before we headed to the restaurant, we were exploring the little corners of Haji Lane. Young groups of people were sprawled around the shop houses that were closed for the evening, smoking shisha and just relaxing. I like to see Singaporean youngsters taking time off to relax and have fun with their friends. It is indeed a relief to know that people here still have a life despite the hectic urban lifestyle.

The restaurant where we had our food is called Cafe Le Caire
We started off with a whole set of starter called Mez'ze which is an assortment of starters and dip accompanied by a few pieces of pita bread. There were different varieties of hummus ,which is a popular arabic food or dip made of blended chickpeas, sesame tahini, lemon juice and garlic.

This is known as Hummus bill tomato, consisting of mainly chickpeas. I am not a fan of peas but these are simply delicious.
Pita bread is a popular flat kind of bread in mediterranean and middle eastern cuisines
Hummus
Baba ghanoush is a kind of popular Middle Eastern dish made primarily of eggplant mashed, and mixed with various seasonings. It was my favourite dip amongst all.
Feta cheese
Olives
Tahini: The Middle Eastern tahini is made of hulled, lightly roasted seeds

Arabic Salad
My baby enjoying his course

We also ordered Shish Tawouke which consist of skewed cubes of chicken ,saffron rice and some vegetables. The mushroom that you see here is the most delicious piece of mushroom I've ever tasted on earth .It's grilled to the finest texture and still retains its succulence.
We then headed to this other middle eastern restaurant to smoke shisha. Click here to find out more about this extraordinary Middle Eastern Culture.
We had the apple flavoured one, which kinda stayed with us even till today because I think we inhaled too much of it.
I wasn't as good a smoker as baby. He was able to smoke it without coughing and he even manage to exhale them through the nose, to which I was extremely amused, and couldn't stop chuckling at him like a school girl. I think I look like I was blowing into a clarinet here.

The shisha pipe.
Just check out the pro! He looks like a mafia.
The nice and steady stream of apple-flavoured smoke.
Us as we ended our amazing night at Haji lane .This place was like no other place in Singapore. Just spending that few hours there, we notice people wearing very unique and unconventional kind of clothes .I saw this woman who had half her head shaved, and the other side of her head had long straight tresses. And guess what? In the middle of it all was a mohawk. Gay and lesbian couples were seen hand in hand roaming about the streets and everyone were themselves. We were happy just watching and feeling like we didn't have any inhibitions, and we enjoyed looking at everyone being themselves too. I told Cai that he must have felt very 'at home' there, the epitome of the street culture in Singapore, and he certainly agreed. I seldom see him so relieved and comfortable outside.:)

We checked out other places there, and we decided that since we have been tired of the usual Orchard Road, we could come by here more often . The bars here seem to sell cheaper beer and the atmosphere is less pretentious and sophiscated, but certainly more inviting and laid back.

Saturday: Meet up with Wen and Adee at Somerset's hawker centre
We had yummy stingray, kangkong as well as omelette and it's nice just having a girly time out, talking about girly issues :) It's nice to know that insecurity is normal . ;)
I'm going to miss u loads Wen! Thanks for helping me get the make up and bringing them back here.Appreciate lots and thanks for the listening ears while you're back here :)

2008-01-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

Today is one of the best Fridays I've ever had! Okae I think every Friday out with Cai is the best Friday but today just feels exceptionally wonderful!
It's like after this whole week of craziness in school it's finally the end of the week where we get to let loose and relax with each other. Sigh~ I think this day is so precious cos it removes all the pent-up frustration and stress and anxiety built up from school work and it just makes me ready to take on the new week again:)
We went to Arab Street/Haji Lane to have middle eastern cuisine and the food was superb. And then we settled at another shop to smoke shisha or hookah. (It's not real smoking mum!)
More pics later of the superb food and the fun experience we both had!

I think many things this week has taught me a thing or two about love.
It sometimes really amazes me how love can work miracles.Love can make you love someone despite his/her flaws, and love can make you do things that you know you would otherwise not do.As cliche as I sound here, it's only when you personally experience it that you understand what I'm getting at.

I should really be thankful for the love I have.
:) I am really, really happy.

2008-01-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

For some extraordinary reason, I'm especially happy today :)
It must be the feeling of love.

Pick Me Up Book

2008-01-16T21:31:00.001+08:00

I'm helping my friend Xingjian to advertise for this special book called the 'Pick Me Up Book'.
Click here for more details! It's for charity!
I'm too broke this week so I can't help:(

2008-01-16T18:33:00.000+08:00

School has started and it's busy busy busy ness already! The sad thing is, I AM HAVING A LACK-OF-EL-FRIENDS-WITHDRAWAL -SYMPTOM! I am only taking psycholinguistics, due to my HT ,and most of the other Year 4s save for Cai ,myself,Sara, Pix, Weimin and Limin have taken this module or are not interested. Shaun Goh bang seh us lor! We agreed to take it together. Chris, I give you the liberty to whack him!! It also doesnt' help that I have missed two el lunches on monday and wednesday :( Sigh...

Cai and I also planted ourselves at the computers in the library to print $30 dollars per person worth of Geog notes! It was horrible having to lug home thick stacks of white paper,and watching our Cashcard dwindling at unbelievably rapid speed is heart-wrenching. (At least it is for me ,because it's not even for an EL module!!)

I also bought a Marketing Research Textbook for $65 because it also comes with an SPSS software..some software for statistics. I hope it'll really help for things other than this module. It seems like a highly demanding module and Cai thinks I'll be dying. I guess I have no choice and I should count myself lucky to even have a module when my poor friends are like struggling to appeal. So I 'm going to work hard and hold on in there and do my best. Marketing is always better than Physics and IT modules.. Right? :)

Just a while ago, an insolent young kid just called my house asking to speak to my 'oldest daughter' because 'she took her notebook' to which I said that she has probably called the wrong number and that I do not have any daughters, and my sister didnt' take any notebooks either. After a lot of failed attempts at getting her to understand that and a threat coming from her to kill my first daughter tomorrow, I literally told her to fuck off if not I'll call the police because I have her number registered in my system. She was quite scared and apologised profusely. Some kids just really need to be scolded and shouted at.

Speaking of being scolded and shouted at, I've been the receiving end of these from my driving instructor. Well I probably will not take it too seriously if I was really wrong and stubborn about things.Truth is, he scolds me even for the right things and I can't take this mental torture anymore. It didnt' help that he coaches my sister too and he's very nice to her. Well I figured he probably hates me and my face, and I can't help if he does because it's not like I really adore him either. And it's not like he's the only only instructor in the whole entire world. Since he is so busy with other students and it's always a heart attack trying to sign up for slots, I'll switch to another instructor should I fail my first test in March. I think I would probably fail because I admit I'm not a good learner and it doesn't help that he's always so discouraging. I also admit that I'm weak and not able to take scoldings. Which is NOT true because I've been well trained since young, but I've really become wiser to stop myself from being subjected to this injustice. Horrible Instructor.I was so pissed and irritated with him that I almost crushed a huge cockroach I saw today because I was staring at that poor little creature scurrying about and imagine it to be my instructor. Sigh... now all of u must be thinking i'm a psychopath with anger issues.

Well yesterday I spoke to my HT supervisor..Butler, a semanticist of sort but he is really really into Predicate Logic.I was about to change my topic to an ISM or even drop the whole thing because I was really messed up in my topic. I went to see him with my ideas and he manage to get something big out of it.Seems like I'll be heading for Predicate Logic. Aniwae, my supervisor is extremely extremely geeky but it makes him really cute. I am looking forward to working with him.

2008-01-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

In my world, there's no 'right' or 'wrong'.
There's only 'like' or 'dont like'.

2008-01-15T21:09:00.000+08:00

These few days have been quite emotionally unpleasant for me.
Coupled with the fact that I dont feel physically well either. And I'm constantly losing weight . Everyone tells me that and while I used to be extremely elated to hear that, now I'm a little wary.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I heard the most beautiful lines from him today. It's so touching, it makes me want to cry. It totally erases these many weeks of upheavals.

I am happy tonight. Extremely happy tonight.

2008-01-14T21:26:00.000+08:00

if being honest with my feelings means ur being unhappy or agitated or upset,
i'd rather just keep it all inside and sulk and explode into thin fine pieces.

2008-01-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

so many of my friends are buying/looking at houses already!
And I thought it was exceptional cases.
Now it turns out that I am the exceptional case.
But but but... I dont really need to be worrying about that right?

2008-01-13T12:54:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling sick, sian, and dreary. I wish someone does something extraordinarily nice or launch a surprise attack on me that makes me feel like I'm the luckiest luckiest person alive on earth.

I wish I can always see and read about things that make me smile.
I wish I have a place to escape to when I feel this way.

2008-01-12T10:08:00.002+08:00

Yesterday Cai gave me a really nice treat at Oosters Belgian Brasserie located at Capital Square Three. He was harping on Beer and Mussels since two weeks ago and so there we are!
Here are your two -food reviewers again!
Located in the heart of Raffles Place, hidden in a small corner away from the high-rise buidlings... a bustling little 'town' on its own which boast of various pubs and bars for the night-lifers and the urban-ites.
The interior has an extraordineary european feel to it, and it makes you feel instantly nostalgic, what with the decor of the pre-war period, and walls nicely aligned with posters and signs that reek of the early 90s. The place is set like the interior of a train with hooks for hats and the golden bar that outline the interior of the restaurant.We were there when it was still really bright, and only left when it got really dim. The little lamps that you'll see hanging around sporadically gives a really romantic feel to the whole place. A personal space created despite having other tables around.

Our first round of Beer. Duvel and Silly Saison. This bar boast of many kinds of beer, mainly from obscure places in Belgium, and also assortment from different places in Europe. We kept a little 'beer passport' which will allow us a ten percent discount off the drinks should we complete the various kinds of beer they have to offer.

Our first meal of the day was Onion Soup ($8). Unlike most onion soup that cooked the onions till they are burnt, this was probably cooked just right before being thrown into the soup pot. The The portion is big enough for two and is a good appetiser with its sour after-taste.
If you come here, you definitely have to try their mussels. We tried the 500g of Moules au Vin Blanc ($21), which means they have the mussels cooked in White wine, celery and carrots. They sell the mussels in half a kg, as well as a full kg. Half a kg is just enough for two though it wont be sufficient to fill you up. We merely wanted to taste and we wanted to save our stomach for other kinds of food as well. The mussels are probably the freshest and cleanest you'd ever find. Its texture is cooked just right; not too rubbery and not overly cooked that the mussels dislodge from their shells. The white wine taste strong enough and goes absolutely well with the mussels.
Eggplant Moussaka ($18). If u're not a meat-lover and you're up for pasta, this is a good meal to have. Decked with layers of eggplant, cheese, pasta and tomatoes, this is an absolutely delectable dish suited for vegetarians. It is my favourite dish of the night and I would definitely come back for more.
Fries come along with the mussels.

Drink beer like belgiums

Thanks to Cai for this wonderful treat.It was a great night of chats and great food. We sat there for a good 4 hour before leaving for Yew Tee Macs to have our game of Magic The Gathering. Just had to be geeky:P

It's a wonderful place and we'd definitely want to come back. I hope to be able to bring my family here too! probably after my first real pay-check when I start working....which will be really soon. :)

Meet up with Christine and Shaun

2008-01-12T09:57:00.000+08:00

A great meet up with Christine and Shaun duo at Izakaya Nijimaru. It was a light-hearted and gossipy catch up and it was nice to see my dear ol Christine again. She's still as cute and adorable as ever and I am ever-pleased that Shaun and Chris 'found each other':P Okay they are so going to cut me into pieces for jazzing up the whole thing .Nope they do not have anything going on but they are such good friends, it's wonderful just looking at them! :)

I miss my EL friends!!

2008-01-09T23:11:00.001+08:00

I propose a fortnightly meet up! It's the final sem and we need to HANG OUT more!

2008-01-09T09:28:00.000+08:00

I (un)secretly admire and envy those others out there who are able to take off from where they are and just go around the world. I wish I can too. But I know I can't because I have too much, and I have no ability, and no right to do that.

While it is with envy that I look upon these others, I'm also secretly joyful that such people exist. People who live for their dreams. And it just seems that I can let part of my life and dreams be lived out by these people.

2008-01-08T22:03:00.001+08:00

I want to be a vagabond. So much.

2008-01-08T21:46:00.001+08:00

Just shoot me la.

shopping with mum

2008-01-08T20:46:00.000+08:00

Today is a shopping with Mum day!
We went to AMK hub, Plaza Singapura, The Central Mall and then People's Park to do shopping. Sounds like alot of places but we didn't really buy much. Bought two pointed shoes though! One black and one red. And I bought a blouse and baggy berms from The Box, which sells really unique designs that are locally designed. I like wearing clothes that few people wear. I can get quite disturbed when I see something that I own on other people. (Probably a subconscious manifestation of how possessive I can be) So I'm happy, that I bought some weird unique clothes.

It was nice that I can spend some time with Mum; it's been a long long while since we did that. And I'm glad she seem like she had fun shopping.

Sometimes, it's not that I dont want to give others the benefit of the doubt. It's just that sometimes I really think things in a certain way. I take them as truths 'beyond any doubt' for myself and it's hard for me to just ...trust.

This issue is getting quite unnerving. I really wish I can have everything going the way I want.
But the sad thing is, Morpheus doesn't spare me even in my dreams. The same issue that bothers me in my waking life, continues to haunt me in my subconscious.
Argh.

It sometimes is weird to think about how we have arrived at points in our life today. About the choices that we have made that led us to where we are. Sometimes, we plan for it to go in that way and we arrived. Most other times, things dont go the way we want and we either lament, or we rejoice. Compromises that we make at the onset of our choices may turn out to entrap us in a situation where we can neither advance nor retreat. So do we rejoice or lament?

Going Peranakan

2008-01-07T18:41:00.000+08:00

Last Friday Cai and I decided to have Peranakan food and I recommended Durukala Peranakan Restaurant, located on the top most level of Beauty World Shopping Centre.
Introducing your food reviewers:

Omelette with Chinchalok.
This is the first time I was having chinchalok. It was very very salty, abit hard to get used to because I'm not a fan of salty food. But I think it's like one of the more 'peranakan' dishes. This dish is cooked very well with just the right amount of oil.

Nonya Chap Chye. I'm not a huge fan of ChapChye, but I like soggy vegetables. As you would normally expect if you're a regular of Peranakan cuisne, the nonya chap chye is cooked really sweet.
Ayam Bua Keluk. I couldnt' really appreciate the Bua Keluk (I think it's spelt this way..I'm not too sure) but Cai was enjoying it alot:) It's the black black cone stuff that u have to use a little spatula to dig the inerts. A kind of spice i presume. But the sauce was great for this dish.
Last but not least, my favourite Sotong Assam! We forgot to take pics of it and we dived in because it look so delicious. By the time we remembered, there werent much sotong pieces left. The assam is very sweet but quite spicy. Goes well with the soft and soggy rice that they serve.

I love Durukala for its sotong in squid sauce but they didn't have it that day. So disappointing. I think on the whole, Ivins, another famous peranakan restaurant, is better. The serving time in Durukala is longer and the price is about 50cents to a dollar more expensive.

After dinner we headed to have swensens at west mall after walking for a good half hour around bukit timah , by the road side!
We built our own sundae:)
Here's us attempting a CHERYL look . But we failed. We are imitations.
A great date !

2008-01-06T22:12:00.001+08:00

i feel helpless, frustrated, angry and i wish someone would give me a bout of General Anaesthesia that would last forever and ever. i'm very sure it would be a great great relief.

i like to take the easy way out of things but for the things that mean alot to me, i hold out.
But i am feeling very tired once again and i really wonder what it is i'm holding out for.

can i take the easy way out again?

2008-01-06T14:12:00.000+08:00

For the whole 22 years that I'm living, there is something which I haven't gotten used to: the fact that this world is just. so. unfair.
Why do people not get what they deserve?
Why do others get what they do not deserve?
Why are there people born rich?
And why are there those others that are born penniless?

Sometimes I wish I do not question as much as I do. My Mum told me last night that when I was younger, I question about everything that I see and come across. I question why an object is rectangular and not circular. I question about the status quo. And I guess nothing has changed. I still question the status quo of things, only that these questions are just so pertinent to my life and has immense consequences.

I can't help that I always question institutions, establishments and systems.
I really wish I am able to shut my trap and just accept things as they are, have the mentality that 'as long as I'm not at the losing end, who cares?' But I dont like that someone has to be at the losing end undeservingly. It's never easy to change things. It's a big step to decide to put your foot down and say that things have to stop. It takes alot of effort and sometimes you even question about why you care.

But as unfair as it is, shouldn't we each play a part to make sure that we can prevent this unfairness as much as possible? At least we dont perpetuate this injustice on our part?

The whole world needs a brain-revolution.

I do feel bad that I always get carried away in my emotions when I get exasperated with how things turn out. I know it's not entirely your doing and I know it has not been easy for you. I am sorry for the judgmental tone that I've used. I know I ought to learn how not to criticise too much and to say things that are more uplifting. And for all these I'm really sorry.
In any case, you know that no matter how much I hate how things have turned out, I'm still in the organization and I'll still do my part to make things better. I'll not give up because I want to be there for you and give you my support as much as I can. But, it doesn't change the fact that things are not alright and I'm still dissatisfied. It's up to you and me to make things better, if we can.

2008-01-05T23:01:00.001+08:00

I finally took a deep breath and removed many many applications on my facebook. It was with hesitation that I do so, since there are those cute little things that your friends do on your facebook . But I'm tired of having to see so many mambo-jumbo on my facebook , and i especially find it irritating having to scroll through my friends' profile pages and see all their fluff friends or gardens before getting to their walls. So I had enough. Unless there are those applications that are really fun and interesting, I wont be adding them.

I'm glad to have found people from my past through facebook though. And to me it's a 'launch pad' in getting back to where we left off after years of disappearance and loss of contact. I think poking each other and thowing sheep don't really lead to anything deep. But I do admit I even get petty about those.

I wanted to blog something about my relatives, because I was thinking about them today. On New Year's Eve, my aunt's family-friend exclaimed with much astonishment and a hint of indignance, "you dont play mahjong?? I thought EVERYONE in THIS (my maternal side ) family plays mahjong!!!"

To that, I dont know whether to feel proud because I manage a breakthrough(!!) or to feel ashamed because I do not put on the colour of the cloak that identifies me with my family. I responded, in a matter-of-fact tone that I dont know how to play the game even though I've tried learning, and having tried learning I dont like the game still. Hate it. The tricky part is, she's right, EVERYONE in that side of the family plays mahjong. Everyone except me. Even a little boy at the age of 9 or 10 knows how to play. The really really bizzare thing is, everyone seem so hooked and obsessed to that game. If mahjong has a devil, it sure has succesfully encaptured and possessed my relatives. In EVERY family gathering except those that involve having special dinners outside of a residence, there will certainly be mahjong sessions. And even if there are those special dinners, sometimes they would round off the night by going to someone's house to play mahjong. I totally dont get it.

So going over to a relative's place will allow me to watch TV, an activity that I rarely do at home nowadays because I hardly find the time to watch TV and Singapore doesn't exactly have fantastic shows on anyway. And I'm not someone who can sit on a couch for a good few hours just brainlessly staring at the black box.I get extremely restless and feel unfulfilled. If I dont watch TV, I bring a book to read or catch up on my school readings. Because I feel that at least I dont waste time. Everyone's playing mahjong anyway! I would be glad to talk to anyone (interesting) who doesnt' play mahjong at that time .Like I have an uncle that I enjoy talking to because he's really nice and he hardly (or never) plays mahjong and dislikes gambling. Then there's my cousin's husband , T, who comes occasionally for family gatherings and I would talk to him too. The second funny thing is, no one (besides his wife and son) likes him. Everyone seem to have shit-listed him because they have everything bad to say about him .And I often get associated with T because I am often seen talking happily and engagingly with him.

By the way, I secretly enjoy being associated with the disliked. Those that are out-casted. Actually I think the thing that brought us together is the fact that he's a teacher and I'm a teacher-to-be, and he hates noise just like me, and we dont play mahjong. And also because we're THE outcast of the family. Just that his 'stakes' are higher because he's older and he's married into my family while I'm already part of the family by default, and I dont need to actively gain favour as well. On the other hand, I dont really bother myself with being liked.
I emphathise with T. I totally understand his position. And I'm glad I can.

My family can't abandon mahjong,while I will never like mahjong. So let's see how it works from here.

Anyway another thing about mahjong, I've got a couple of friends who will chide me when I tell them I dont play mahjong, 'What?? You're Chinese and you dont play mahjong? What kind of Chinese are you??" I get extremly pissed and irritated by these remark because I shouldn't have to play mahjong to identify with my ethnicity. What, should I wear a red cheongsam and fan myself with a black fan everywhere I go?

Crazy people with no brains out there I tell you.

Emotions...the inexplicable kind

2008-01-05T11:03:00.001+08:00

someone told me on New Year's Eve about a German saying, that goes along the lines of,when you hate someone, it's because that someone has something that belongs to you, or had belonged to you. And I was thinking of those few people that I really really dislike, and hey, it's not that un true!

Like I dont exactly like a cuz of mine who has the same cheena name as me, and when I think further about why I really really dislike her when every body think she's such a bai bai pang pang angel (yes like a fat cherub, only she's not a cherub), well techincally she isn't as bad as those who are my really really close friends and yet I still love them.So you see, when you dislike a person, you dont really need that many reasons. I have friends who are full of flaws and who have given me more bane than boon, but I still love them. Because.

Then there's this other person whom I have a stronger dislike for. The few times I use ONLY my rationality, I have nice things to say about her. But then I have decided that I really really really dont like her at all. And it just irks me whenever I read her blog and realize that she likes the things I like and all that. It makes those things.... seem tainted. Yeah, u can see the extent of my dislike . And what's worse, she appeared in my dream/nightmare last night and in that dream she used to be with my boyfriend. I woke up crying and heartbroken and decided that I hate her all the more and wish that I'd have nothing to do with her, and neither will those around me .

And yes I know I'm selfish.

Just need a certain form of verbal carthasis to express my dislike.

How juvenile.

New Year, New Me

2008-01-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

2007 is gone just like that.
And here comes 2008, which is really a familiar number, considering that my birthday is on the 20th of August:)

Anyway there are many things to be happy about.
For one, I've moved up a class in my honours degree!! Finally!!
This sem has seen my bestest results so far, if I am SU-ing my B- for the breadth module.I've got a good cap of 4.875, (someone else has a perfect score of 5 ;) ) and I guess I can say the hard work all paid off. Thanks to my all-time partner-in-crime Cai for his very smart brains as well. I've had a great-though-challenging sem of working together with him. We shed blood, sweat and tears toiling through the papers and projects but it has all worked out well and good.

Next year will be a year full of big changes. If I'm not taking my masters,I'll be off to ANN-AI-EE(boo hoo) to be trained as a teacher in the middle of the year, and before that, there's of course the honours thesis to be working at. Grad trip is high on the list and I so can't wait to travel again!! Yup yup, while I'm excited about the changes, I'm also fully aware that I might not be able to take them well, since I can react aversely to too much changes in my life.So let's just hope that I'll be able to take them all with temperance, and undertake all things with a peaceful heart and mind.

Here's wishing all of you readers a great year 2008. Better Caps for the EL peeps! More KGs lost for the calorie-conscious people, and better treatments from boyfriends for those girls who are attached:)

2007-12-28T22:24:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it is not till life teaches us great lessons, that we look back at the times we strive over petty matters, and learn to see how inconsequential they were.
Life has a way of teaching us to grow, to love,to endure and to be responsible.

It is these times of hardships that make us realise we might have been living a life of drunken stupor, only finally sobering up now, with the resolution to make things better.

Time for some happy updates

2007-12-20T22:33:00.000+08:00

I know many of you have been wondering why I sound so depressed over my blog these days,
and I do admit it had been a few rough weeks. I'm better now, but whenever I think of the kind of work waiting for me, my stomach does a flip.
Still, I'm thankful for the times here and there which I get to meet up with my friends and all.
Yesterday Cai and I met up with Keane and Serene who were just back from New Zealand for a visit here. Serene is expecting and her kid is facing the potential predicament of being named Splinter. hahaha.
Here are some pics from the dinner.Us

Keane and Serene

That's Wan on the left. Quite almost everyone who was there.

It was a steamboat fiesta for me and Cai last Friday.
I was battling with a sore eye so I dont look really okay.Cai was the resident BBQer. he fried stuff for me to eat, while I throw veg into the soup. haha

BBQing my terriyaki chicken thigh
Our glorious healthy vegetable cum mushroom soup!
Yummy...Salmon and chicken wings
Sip sip
Mmmm..
If you want steamboat in an air-con place away from the rain, try yuki yaki steam boat place at Marina Sq shopping centre.

On Tuesday, it was prawn mee gathering! It was mainly for my sister's friends but I called some friends over too. Thanks a million to my Mum who generously cooked for all of us to eat and all of us enjoyed the meal.
Jon Jon came. It has been a long long time since we met up so it was great catching up. He is one fo the most ardent fan of my Mum's prawn mee. We played El Grande and this lucky guy won us by half a board. haha..

Happy us! Yay..
Then in the evening adeline and biyou brought their boyfriends up too. So it was the first time the three pairs met.We had a great time over dinner crapping away and waiting for my dear backside to finish her food.She's really really slow. haha.. But it was nice. I hope we'd still have gatherings like that when we get married and have kids.
All of us talking to each other after dinner. That's my mum.
The three golden pairs

The girlfriends

The boyfriends

It was fun shopping at Ikea with the family too. I quite like having public holidays sometimes.

2007-12-20T01:21:00.001+08:00

I hate worrying.

2007-12-16T23:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I should just do what I have to do and not plan too much.

2007-12-16T14:40:00.001+08:00

A little slow am I... but I came to my senses that it's time to
Get a grip,
And Get a life.

There has to me more 'oomph' in my life now.

2007-12-15T22:20:00.000+08:00

All I want to do now is to lie at the beach of Waikiki or Ala Moana, and ogle.....

at the sun set. =)

Girlfriends often complain and whine when the soccer leagues fever sweep the entire town of guys away from them.
While I used to find it hard to understand why the girls are so petty,
now I can more or less see from their point of view.
That's why, all girls need dogs. They dont watch football.

I guess some expectations just cannot be quantified by our own self-centered measure.

What can I say?

2007-12-14T00:03:00.000+08:00

Considering that life is so unpredictable, and you never know which of the close ones around you may be taken away at times when you least expect, it seems best that we should cherish those around us more. It's a sad thing to think about, that we should have to regret having said or done things to hurt those we love.

Book Review

2007-12-12T20:04:00.001+08:00

I just read one of the most amazing books: Marley & Me by John Grogan
This is a story about a Labrador Retriever named Marley as well as his owner and the family. This is not a fiction, because the author is writing a true account of his dog from the moment he had Marley as a puppy together with his newly-wedded wife. Marley was an exceptionally hyper-active dog who was more of a menace than what you would normally expect from various portrayals of retrievers being guides for the blind. However there were those spurts of moments which he showed himself to be an amazingly loyal and encouraging dog to the family ,seeing John and his wife through a miscarriage, and three child-births, shifts of homes, and had certainly caused alot of trouble for the family. Still it was a tremendous joy to be accompanying Grogan through his story-telling of this wonderful dog, right through till Marley died. When Marley began showing signs of old age, I was tearing continuously. Feeling the author's sense of loss. Feeling the pain of that good ol' dog. It was like I was part of the Grogan family reading about Marley.

I thought of Skippy, and how it's so true that once in your life, a dog comes into your life and changes everything .Skippy is that amazing dog in my life. My best pal who is always always there when I'm down and when I need warmth. Skippy is that faithful dog who roams around in my house quietly, sleeping on my bed as I worked through the night, and accompanied me wherever I go. I know too, that at the present age of 4, he needs more care than before.So I've beenlooking for treats and food that contains more calcium content .It wont be long before his age catches up and he would have all sort of ailment. I made a silent vow that I would make my dog's life easier for him. The least I could do for my best pal in my life.

2007-12-10T23:50:00.001+08:00

Why does things always have to turn out like that?
Is it really true that it's best I walk alone?

2007-12-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

It's the holidays
And yet, I'm not totally enjoying it,
Because right after I'm back from a day of Malaysia-ing with my family,
Alot of things are coming my way.
Meet ups with Profs, Work , work and WORK, Tuition, Driving, Meet ups.
God.... Blame it on the workaholic nature of mine.
When is this ever going to stop?

2007-12-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

Life sucks.
Life is meaningless.
Life is vexing.
Life is hard.
The only thing that made me happy was the little tub of Haagen Daaz,
And the grateful hands of an unconscious 18 year-old-youth whom I take care of for awhile.

Take life away.

A letter from Mr Eric Gwee

2007-12-07T18:04:00.000+08:00

I was just packing my two boxful of letters( that's a whole lot!!) and found this note written by my A level chemistry teacher ,Mr Eric Gwee:

Hi Stella,
Thanks for the effort you have made as my student. I really appreciate all the tutorials you've done diligently and all the time you have volunteered to present your answers in class. You have really made my job as a teacher more meaningful.
For prelims, I really thought you did well for paper III. however, I notice that you're still quite weak with Physical Chemistry, including Equlibria, electrochemistry and energetics. You may need to revise the section for thise topics and this would clear your obstacles in your chemistry. Please check with me whenever you're in doubt.
I really wish you would strive for an A for chemistry. and all the best for your studies and career in future.

Mr Eric Gwee

Heh.. Just for your information, I only got a B for chemistry. I did strive for an A though. Chemistry was my favourite subject in school apart for General Paper. And also, the physical chemistry part of chemistry syllabus was incidentally my favourite topics of all .heh..

More on packing later. :)

2007-12-07T13:25:00.001+08:00

I have a feeling that I'm not going to enjoy my next semester of classes :(

2007-12-06T11:42:00.000+08:00

Exams are finally over! Cai and I happily trotted off for our stress-less date. We had dinner at Vill'age at Heeren's , which was a switch cos we originally wanted to hop over to Pit Stop cafe for chicken chop. But vill'age is nice cos it was empty and we had good food. Then we went over to Iguana Cafe at Clarke Quay to sip margheritta! The heavy rain compensated for itself because something random happened and we got ourselves two free glasses of peach margheritta on top of our uber huge jug .We sat there staring at people and talking for a long long time , as usual. But I guess I'm going to keep off margheritta for a while .It's an easy drink to down, but it's not strong enough so you have to drink alot to get an effect, and that's what makes you feel so bloated, you dont want to move your ass anywhere. Too much crushed ice and froth! Haha.
I'm up for beer anytime! (as long as someone pays;))

Cai had free entry to MOS cos of some membership deals. Well being a lady, it's my night! So I earned my right to a free entry into MOS too. But we went in too early and NO ONE was dancing at the dance floor. Which was really okay because it's nice to see the entire MOS, and appreciate the cool architecture and design .We just stood looking at the DJ switching songs and doing his thang, and we enjoyed bobbing around to the retro music played. Ah these days I'm inclined to jiggle and shake that ass. Dancing on my own is liberation, as I mentioned a while ago . I'm glad my boyfriend has free clubbing passes (but of course it's only for me and him:P) ! According to him, we can just randomly head into MOS and shake leg anytime because we dont have to pay for anything at all. I thought that was hilarious. Yup,I do want to go in again .Just to dance a little and enjoy the music.

So how am I going to begin my semester break?

Well I'm going to get my room organised a little. Pack those stuff that are randomly strewn into proper holes and segments. I doubt they will last for a long time, but since I'm such a messy person, I'm doomed to be packing my whole life. Haha. It's okay though.I enjoy packing randomly and frequently. But please dont trust me to keep it neat for a substantial amount of time. I've tried to change that bad habit , considering that the boyfriend and the parents are neat freaks. But I think it's just not me to see the room neat and packed. haha. My dad and mum sometimes neaten up my table for me a little and I end up not being able to find my things for awhile, or forget that some things actually exist. I need things to be within sight. And even though they are not within sight because they are hidden below the piled up mess, at least I know they are 'somewhere down there' because 'it's where I last saw it'. Organized chaos? Perhaps. Living with the boyfriend would take some adjustments and compromise. I promise to not make it too messy for you to pack! (:p I didn't promise to be very neat ah) Aniway the boyfriend has always volunteered to pack my room for me. 'One day during the holidays I can come over to your house to pack your room. We can organise your things and label the compartments' . I was shocked.

Well I'm touched that somebody offers to help me pack my stuff. But but ..what if I mess it up again in no time? ? I'll feel so bad. What if I can't find my stuff anymore? What if I get suffocated in my own neatness? The consequences are unthinkable.

But I'm not saying that I'm never going to get organized at all. I just want it to be in my own little way .Make it a little messy. It's 'my own space' kind of thing , you know what I'm saying?
Aniway, I figured I'll need to own a diary soon. Not the kind that I write my thoughts into (I used to own them (not it) but I end up tearing out the pages and throwing those books away. And besides, I've never been able to keep what I wrote in my diary a secret anyway... ) . I want to get those with calendar and time .But I dont want them easily bought from Popular Bookshop. I want a quite-expensive and very sophiscated looking diary. Hard cover. Leather-bound cover I also dont mind! So does anyone want to offer buying me one for Christmas? haha!
I need a diary because it's going to be a VERY busy year ahead and i need to jot things down to get organised and not forget things. I'm a very very forgetful person. You can be telling me something one minute and I forget all the instructions you gave me in the next minute. Because all those things that are happening are going to be important, and if I forget them I'm going to be in quite a shit-load of trouble, I better get down to the serious-business of note-taking and time-planning.

Contrary to what many of you think ,I'm actually not going to be less busy in the holidays! More time away from school perhaps, but more time have to be spent preparing and reading for my thesis, meeting up with my supervisor to discuss things further, meeting Dr Tomasina for the Research Assistant job at NUH , driving lessons, tuitioning ,and helping my sister to prepare for PSLE. There are also those whom I've promised to meet up with but haven't. And of course MORE time at home being with the mum and sisters. And last, but certainly NOT the least, spend time with the boyfriend to keep things going:) We need to upkeep our gamer's life!

If you're not a reader of the boyfriend's blog, you may not know of his 'fifty-dollars- a -week' plan. He's up for saving up. For our grad trip in May (yay!!) And he is making it a point to spend less than fifty dollars a week. I dont know if it's possible... considering it's the holidays now. Transport aint cheap and when you go out with friends, the expenditure is quite significant. But then we have the cheap excuse of 'we are just students', so we can always convince our friends that we need to eat at the Hawker Centre and all .I think I should learn from him . If I only spend 50 dollars a week I think I can actually save alot.And that's what I should do. Save more! Because I want to go on a grad trip comfortably tooo! And it's my one and only holiday left to travel on a non-peak period. Last holiday to travel without the cries of babies and the smell of vomitted milk on buses and planes! Last holiday to travel cheaply! Last holiday as a student! The grad trip, thus, has to be memorable and well-spent. :)

So I think both of us are going to go on budget dates . No expensive food. Which is fine .We have been successful in scaling the near-by bukit timah areas for not-too-expensive food and beer, away from town in the quiet westside, which are cosy and conducive for talking.

Tearing my hair out

2007-12-03T10:55:00.000+08:00

Arrghhhh....

Isomniac

2007-12-03T09:30:00.001+08:00

At 2-3am ,I still couldn't sleep, and the boyfriend was already sleeping so I didn't have anyone to talk to. I sat by my window (I love having my bed by the window) and stared out ,relishing the cold,cold air and I closed my eyes. I pictured myself enjoying the same kind of night air in Hawaii. The people's faces, the ocean, the moon, the ukulele playing softly at the back, came slowly to me.
I teared. Teared for the piece of paradise long gone. Teared for the happiness that I still had those memories etched in my mind. Teared for the unfamiliar self who existed many years back, never to return. Teared for the times of folly. Teared for the thankfulness of those times of folly.

Anyway my ambivalent state drove me to restlessness and hunger (at that time I haven't eaten since dinner at 7 pm!)
So I cooked my other half of Instant noodles, enjoying this fleeting time of heaven-on-earth that I made for myself, before squeezing in more readings and eventually drifting off to bed.

It's a wonder what a lonely heart can do.

2007-12-02T00:10:00.000+08:00

It's the time of the year when I feel damn bored with my hairstyle and hair length.
As tempted as I am to want to cut it, I know that I will regret when I do!
I shall have to wait till my unrebonded hair grows to a considerable length before I snip off the overly -straight hair ,and relish the naturally-wavy and quite unruly hair of mine.
Because I'm experimenting with looks and all that,I shall be keeping my hair really long and not cut it until June next year.
Then by that time I'll snip them all off and go for a bob ...dare I try one as short as Victoria Beckham's? We'll see.

I need exercise. Not because I want to lose weight, but because I think I need to gain some muscles and look sporty and like I'm ready to punch the balls out of anyone.

So the driven Stella has declared that she will be going on a toning regine after the 5th of December. Kickboxing classes perhaps?? Ahh tone up those deltoids!! (spelling not checked)

Erm..more shopping perhaps too??
More clothes?
New styles? New shoes?

Sigh..one more sem before I stop being a full time student. :(

Dance with me

2007-12-01T21:51:00.001+08:00

I was just feeling frustrated and pent up.
Bored with readings. Irritated with my circumstance.
And I think I found a new way to feel better.
It's really therapeutic blasting your favourite band's song when you're alone at home,
and just prance and dance around like a star on stage, and like a lunatic with zero dancing skills.
So, so therapeutic.

2007-12-01T21:17:00.001+08:00

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we gonna give up.
Like a little girl who cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dream
Is there anyone out there cos it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
Is there anyone out there cos it's getting harder and harder to breathe...

I went to town and saw my crush!!

2007-12-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

2007-11-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

Phoebe's blogpost reminded me of caroling on Christmas eves with the YFers in the past.

"We light a thousand candles bright, around the earth today, And all the beams will shine across the heaven's grand display. Yes, over land and sea tonight the joyful message brings The birth of Him, our Lord and Christ, our Savior and our King. Dear brightest star o'er Bethlehem, O let your precious light Shine in with hope and peace toward men in ev'ry home tonight. In all our house so cold and dark, please send your warmth sublime, The warmth that comes from Jesus' love this blessed Christmas time."

The YF's favourite carol.

We used to look forward to christmas eves where we would gather at 10pm at the level 3 studio of Jurong Calvary BP, and we start exchanging gifts and cards. We would then leave for house visitations at 10 30 pm. We'd look forward to belting out our favourite carols, listen to sharings,play games, eat the yummy food ,and look forward to the final house at 2am where we would ton the night away, either sharing or playing games.
Looking back, many of those christmas caroling sessions had wonderful memories. I miss my sisters and brothers in Christ sometimes.
But I'm not the only one who's gone from this scene.
Many of those have too.
So going back , wont be the same anymore.
And I dont want to go back either.

2007-11-29T18:31:00.001+08:00

I'm in a highly destructive mood now.And this picture suits my mood pretty well.
If only they were boulders. I could use them to crush those pests.

2007-11-28T22:38:00.001+08:00

The saying goes that life isn't fair and will never be.
But does it mean that one stops trying to make it fair?
The problem doesn't lie with the fact that life is as such.
The problem lies with the fact that nobody can really define what fairness is.
And even if one were to be able to define fairness, not everyone agrees on the same terms.
And even if people were to agree on the same terms,
not everything in life is quantifiable.

Well, despite having identified that, it doesnt' change the fact that life is really quite unfair.
I am indignant with that, and have always been.
But what can I do except to just go about in my life doing my best ?
Then again , sometimes 'doing my best' doesn't account for anything,
And sometimes I am tempted to think that maybe the effort can be channeled elsewhere,
where, whether I get anything out of it,I'll still be fine because I love what I'm doing.

Sigh~

This makes me happy

2007-11-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

Surprisingly, looking at this calms my nerve.

2007-11-26T22:33:00.000+08:00

Like anikin sky-walker,
I am gradually, unknowingly venturing into the dark side.
Only looking towards it, not even knowing that I'm advancing.
Then when I look back
And see how far away I am from where I came from,
Despair and desperation hit me for a moment.
I stooped down,
and I no longer know where I ought to turn.

Only a heart filled with love,
love that's genuine and sincere,
can bring me back.

Is love something that one can have through his/her will?
Can love, then, be created?
Or is love just something that you have or not
Right from the beginning?

Where's my love?

Wedding Bells

2007-11-26T00:55:00.000+08:00

MM Cafe's boss just got married and look how happy the big guy is on his big day!!Sandy look so sweet in her flower dress!
Ah the drinkers! Here's us with kat (the one in black) , eve (the one in white) and anthony (the other guy around...finally get a picture of u in my blog. haha!)
Me chewing off my abang's stubby fingers and trying to get back at him irritating me all the time. Here's me and the ferret chinchilla as well as the bride!

And the day wouldnt' end well with your favourite couple doing some stupid faces infront of a camera:)
Cheers to all..

2007-11-25T15:25:00.001+08:00

I didn't get Dr Mo as my supervisor =(
And so my honours thesis supervisor would be Dr Butler.
But I'm not extremely disappointed because I know he's a cool guy and a geeky one at that.All I hope is to be having a fruitful semester of learning and doing research.

These few days, everything hasn't been going on well.
Maybe the bad karma is using this period to do a pay-back.
But whatever it is, it sure tires me out.
It's so tiring that I'm getting numb to more and more bad things that have been coming my way.
And I'm just wondering how long is my feet going to be stuck in this chasm for.

And somehow, I know that when life gets me down so low and I feel that nothing's looking alright, I can only look forward and tell myself to do better.

Sigh~

2007-11-25T08:12:00.000+08:00

It is never a star's place to be hidden in the shadows.
Fallen or not.
The star shall shine,
spreading its light to lands far and wide.

But it seems like for now, no matter how she tries,
It is ... still just shining in a shadow.
With, a tiny glimmer.

Me a Gamer?

2007-11-23T17:27:00.000+08:00

Just yesterday, I was telling Cai that I felt like writing an unpublished article about the life of a gamer's girlfriend. Why the sudden interest in such a topic?
Well actually if I haven't known Cai,I would never be exposed to things like Cthulhu, Dungeons and Dragons, Vampire the Masquerade, Magic The Gathering and story telling/ Role-Playing Games. And in a way, I am so thankful that I DO know him because he has unreveled for me a whole new world,which I'm so glad to be in.

However, it seems like the 'gamer's arena' is largely dominated by males. Where are the females? Out shopping and watching korean /jap /canto soaps or playing mahjong. Probably. I've been told countless times in both direct/indirect ways that females dont have a place in the gamer's world. Not because they are not allowed inside but because it's hardly something that a 'typical girl' would be interested in.Apparently chancing upon a female gamer is like the '8th wonder of the world' I'm told.It is also hard for many male gamers to find a girlfriend because it's just so hard to find a girl who can accept their gaming life style. Maybe this is also why whenever I walk into a comic shop or a game shop, I get quite frequent stares from the male gamers, as well as some deliberate chat-ups on occasions.

It's no wonder that it's so rare to come across a female gamer here, especially in Singapore. Let's not talk about the girls. Even the population of male gamers isn't that big. I was extremely thrilled when one of my male cousins whom I only see once a year during the Chinese New Year used to be a miniature gamer. And then there was my teacher-mentor whom I was attached to during my teaching stint last year. We became friends rather than a mentor-mentee thingy because we spent mornings and recesses and lunches talking about games and books. I only can pray so hard that I'll have more colleagues like that in future!

I guess there is a stereotype attached to gamers. And I guess the relish this stereotype too. They are being labelled as 'geeks'. And after more than a year of being exposed to them and indulging in 'geeky activities', I now know how to identify the prototypical ones, and segment the kinds of geeks in this broad term. It also seems to me that there's a not -too-postive connotation attached to the word 'geek'. Geeks are known to be unfashionable, have low EQ, insensitive, boring ,ugly, pimple-ly, fat, pot-bellied, smelly, intelligent, weird . And while I hesitate to give a generic description of this group of people who are not that homogenous , I have seen geeks/gamers that fit ALL of the above. But here's what I feel about them: I like them. I love the geeky world. I like that they are deviant from the mainstream and the conventional. I like that they create a whole new world of their own, where they can be themselves, and be happy.

For a while, I've hesitated to call myself a gamer. I acknowledge that I indulge in gaming, but I wonder if I was gaming enough to be called a gamer/geek. And besides, I was practising sexism on myself, thinking that I ought not to call myself a gamer because I'm a female. It's not that I shun this label. In fact I have a high regard for it.It's more like a situation of, 'Am I worthy to be gamer?'

I have finally come to terms with myself.Identity does not solely rely on the 'practice' aspect. There's the 'essence' aspect that can be considered as well. Right now in my life,I am indulging in quite a bit of gaming. I love gaming and I feel like I'm called to game. In essence, I think I am born for gaming. It's like finding my true calling. It's like discovering a whole new world which you knew you belong. (It's like finding Hawaii and calling it your 'secret home') It takes away my mind from the mudanity of life. It calls out the inner-child in me who's ever so hard to suppress.
So right here and now, I am calling myself a gamer. A female-gamer. And I'm proud to be one.
I may not be fat and pot-bellied and extremely intelligent, and I certainly dont want to be unfashionable and insensitive, but I am still a gamer. A budding one. And this is what my life is going to be, however it may turn out. I'm so glad that my boyfriend is a gamer.And I can't imagine not having a gamer-boyfriend anymore. I have been musing to myself on occasion that should Cai and I not last, I'd really want to find a gamer-boyfriend, if not my life would be so boring and mundane. Either that or I end up being buddies with those guys at the game shop and game with them every day to fulfil the gaming-hunger whenever it strikes. (Dont worry Cai,I am not hoping that we wont last!! )

Interestingly whenever I talk to some o f my guy friends about games like those I've mentioned above, they would either be really puzzled by what I'm saying because they are completely clueless about these things, or they'll give me a 'what the fuck' look and say 'i didnt know girls play these'. Yup I know that I'm not a typical girl. I look like one of course, with boobs and a great love for being vain. But I know my interests are pretty weird and unconventional. But that's how I like it. Be it in terms of taste for guys, taste for shows, taste for clothes and objects and taste for activities, I know I'm just weird.And perhaps that's why I find it hard to get along with girls sometimes. And those few girl-friends whom I treasure so much and enjoy talking to so much, they are really gems. They are the funky few whom I can at least hold a decent conversation with.

Oh by the way, just a while ago I received a call from Paradigm Infinitum (the game shop that we always frequent whenever we go on our dates) that the board game I've ordered for Cai , Warrior Knights, has finally come!!It has been fucking two months since I've placed an order and we have been painfully waiting for it!I can't wait to play it because I've read the game system and I like it alot.Can't wait can't wait!!